The apocryphal guidelines

Real Media Riffs from Media Post (you can subscribe, free, here) reports that there were several clauses that did not make the cut when the American Society of Magazine Editors (ASME) drafted their just-released advertising guidelines:

FAJARDO, PUERTO RICO - OCTOBER 18, 2005--The American Society of Magazine Editors has released revised guidelines for editors and publishers of consumer magazines. It is the 13th edition of standards issued by the influential editorial group, and covers some new trade practices not previously addressed by the society, such as product placement in editorial content. Like the content of the magazines they represent, the new guidelines are shorter and easier to read than previous editions, and have been honed down to just ten basic statements governing the dos and don'ts of magazine church and state. However, the Riff has learned that the final version was winnowed from a larger first draft. Here, for the first time, are the new guidelines rejected by ASME.

Church. Editors are forbidden from speaking directly to members of the magazine's sales staff during mass, on the Sabbath, or on any high holy day. If editors should overhear a sales pitch, they should immediately be anointed with holy water, or, at the very least, issue a genuflection.

State. Editors must use this verb anytime they lift quotes of a news source directly from a company press release. Example: "The New Yorker has the highest editorial standards of any magazine published today," stated Target Chairman and CEO Robert J. Ulrich.

Advertising-To-Editorial Ratios. The percentage of advertisements in consumer magazines should not exceed United States Postal Service guidelines for printed matter. Advertising sales departments should resist the urge to pressure editors to integrate surplus demand into editorial pages. That is the job of public relations executives.

Lunches. It is permissible for magazine editors to be wined and dined by advertisers over lavish meals at expensive, four-start restaurants, but if the client picks up the tab, the editors are required to run a negative story about the advertiser's product or brand. If the client does not pick up the tab, the editor has the prerogative of running a negative story about the advertiser's product or brand. It is considered bad form for editors to order the lobster.

Watermarks. Shaded or translucent advertisements depicting a brand logo or icon should never be superimposed over editorial pages. To remove a watermark from an editorial page, scrub vigorously with a solution of one-part baking soda, two-parts vinegar. Allow to air-dry.

Positioning. Missionary is acceptable. Doggy-style is not.

Bleeds. Advertisements may be printed to the extreme borders of an advertising page, but if they touch or otherwise come in contact with an editorial page, the magazine should be tilted backward and have constant pressure applied to its nose until it stops.

Blasphemous Adjacencies. Advertisements should not be placed or sold for placement immediately before of after editorial pages that discuss, show or promote the desecration of the Koran, the Bible, the Torah, or any known religious scriptures.